I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you inspire me to be a worse person
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
