i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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