My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
