she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my being single is dangerous.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
