It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
how drunk are you?
Several
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
