Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
