I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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