And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
