I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
