Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I am midnight drunk by noon
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just pee around me
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
