i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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