she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Come share oat with me in your robe
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
