from now on my penis is your penis
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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