sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
