i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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