My liver just broke up with me...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
