My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
