my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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