now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
