I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
The air taste purple.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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