this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
