dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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