Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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