ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
