There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
