its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
