Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
