I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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