I wish I only lived at night.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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