my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
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