I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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