Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
