Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
