eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
