Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
