Plan B is the new Plan A
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
