My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize