Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
