Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
