Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Help. Why am I so naked?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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