I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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