here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
