Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
