My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
They have beer where we have blood.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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