it's too hot outside to masturbate.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You left your phone here
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