we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You pole danced in your parka.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
