birth control should be required to get into college
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
