I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
