The maid of honor just puked.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Randomize
