I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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