Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
