just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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