You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
