my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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