My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
