I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
