Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I would ride that face into the sunset
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
