my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
