So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
