are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
