I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
