My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
